Posted to tumblr first -teehee-

I always thought suicidal thoughts were actual thoughts of killing myself, but now I'm not too sure..

I haven't self harmed in a while but sometimes I really want to..

I don't know anymore.

am I getting better?

Or am I just getting better at hiding it.. even from myself..

I cry a lot. For no reason most times. I just start crying over a stupid reason.. I can't control it anymore.

I miss my meds..

I joked about ODing on my cough medication..

but the thought actually crossed my mind

I don't feel sad

I just feel..

Oh god I don't even know how I feel anymore

Happy

Sad

Angry

Hurt

Betrayed

Funny

Depressed

I can't tell anymore

I think I'm just getting better at hiding it

Because I don't think this is real happiness

if it was.. I wouldn't have these thoughts right?

I would be happy for my party tomorrow night right?

Whats wrong with me?

I go out and have fun with my friends

but when I get home it just felt like it was all fake

I don't know anymore

Help me..

I just considered deleting this post without even posting it

but if I post it now

it's night like the majority of my followers will even see it

right?

So here goes..

I'm filling in tags right now..

taking a deep breath..

Posting.